10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Struggling With Stress

Author: Majken Lorelei Matzau

Being stressed is a bit like being pregnant. Everyone has an opinion about it, has been through it themselves, or knows someone who has, and therefore has a long list of advice they would like to pass on.

But a stress collapse is a severe strain reaction in the nervous system – and the worst thing you can do when you are suffering from stress is in fact to talk about "it." And it gets worse still when others want to help by offering good advice.

A person suffering from stress needs only one thing, and that is calm. Every conversation about what went wrong and what to do about it reactivates the stress, and every conversation with anyone and everyone that contains well-meant advice creates restlessness, confusion, and stress – and does more harm than good.

Here are ten things you should never say to someone struggling with stress.

1. "What was it that went wrong?"

It comes naturally to us to talk about problems and analyze the causes when something goes wrong. Because in doing so, we assume we can avoid ending up in the same situation in the future. But every conversation about the challenges, conflicts, and problems that caused someone to break down with stress reactivates that stress and keeps the person in a permanent state of alarm. On stress-related sick leave, you need to be in a safe zone, living in a contained bubble, until the alarm state has subsided.

So if you want to help, make a portion of spaghetti with tomato sauce for your friend and eat it together with her while watching a good series on Netflix.

2. "My sister has stress too, now listen to this…"

Everyone wants to help and give good advice. But having a sister who has had stress does not make you an expert. And you risk making things worse by talking away about stress and offering advice you have no real basis for giving.

So if you want to help, know that pleasant small talk – rather than deep conversations or well-meant advice – is balm for a friend who has collapsed with stress.

3. "You just need to say no"

"You just need to say no" is a classic – often delivered by confident, well-meaning people who assume that saying no is a universal solution to everything. But it is not at all that simple to say no when you are an employee in a top-down hierarchy, where others have authority over you, and where you are one piece in a complex and extensive project structure.

So if you want to help, listen when your stressed partner asks you to keep your good advice to yourself and simply wants a safe arm to lie in. That, after all, is also a way of saying no.

4. "Well, you are a perfectionist"

I have spoken and written about the harmful myth of perfectionism for twenty-five years. And more and more people have gradually come to understand that perfectionism is not the cause of stress. Prolonged strain is what causes stress.

So if you want to help, never mention the word perfectionist again, and instead support your stressed colleague by taking work off her hands and letting her be entirely in a safe zone during her sick leave.

5. "You just need to let go"

Most people assume you can simply let go once you go on stress-related sick leave. But nothing could be further from the truth. Only once you are signed off and sitting at home on your own property do you really feel how the nervous system rages, and how terrible you feel. And this is where you risk falling into the trap of continuing your stress behavior by "doing" all kinds of things in order to get "well."

For the nervous system to be able to let go, you have to stop thinking. So if you want to help, sit down with your sister and watch six seasons of a good series together – then the stress will release entirely of its own accord, as she becomes absorbed in the plot rather than her anxious thoughts.

6. "Have you considered taking up yoga?"

There are many things that are preventive and stress-relieving, and that are genuinely good when you are not signed off sick. But once you have collapsed with stress and gone on sick leave, you should not be attending anything at all. Not yoga, not zumba, not stress courses. Gentle yoga from an app on a smart TV is good, so it can be done at home on the living-room floor rather than at a gym full of people.

So if you want to help, show your mother how to install a yoga app on the TV and put together a gentle program with her, until she can manage on her own at her own pace.

7. "You just need to get some more adrenaline in your body"

That is what a caseworker once said to a leader suffering from stress. He recommended ten hours of fitness training per week at a gym. The leader afterward came to me on the verge of tears, and it gave rise to both an op-ed and a book focused on the harmful effects of physical training when you are on stress-related sick leave. A stress collapse involves a massive overproduction of adrenaline – and adrenaline is precisely what you activate by training.

So if you want to help, tell your best friend that training is excellent as prevention, but that training is pure poison once you have collapsed and been signed off – and give him a Netflix subscription instead.

8. "You need to go for long walks"

Many people have no idea what to do when they go on stress-related sick leave. And one of the well-meant pieces of advice they often receive is to go for walks. The stress reaction therefore often drives those on sick leave to take extra many and extra long walks – but in doing so they risk simply maintaining the stress reaction.

So if you want to help, take a quiet evening walk in the woods holding your wife's hand, and make sure the walk isn't long and that the pace is calm.

9. "I would never have expected that of you"

It often feels deeply shameful at the beginning when you go on stress-related sick leave. So if you tell your friend that you "would never have expected that of him," you can easily end up fueling his feelings of guilt and shame.

So if you want to help, be a role model for the fact that stress affects everyone – men and women, at every age – and that it is an entirely natural reaction to prolonged strain, one that goes away by itself once you have had calm for a period.

10. "Once stressed, always stressed"

A widespread myth is that once you have had stress, you are vulnerable for the rest of your life. But that is not at all an absolute truth. On the contrary. Once you have had stress and come through a period of sick leave and out the other side, you can – with the right process and the right guidance – stand stronger and more conscious in yourself than ever before.

Stronger, because you have come into contact with yourself, your body, and your soul after far too long spent being "outside yourself." And far more conscious, because you have learned what the causes of the stress were, and how to prevent and handle it – both in your personal energy and in your working life.

So if you want to help, see the vitality, the strength, and the awareness in the people around you when they have come out the other side of stress-related sick leave, and acknowledge their powerful journey toward a new way of living and prioritizing in their lives.

With warm regards,
Majken Lorelei Matzau

Sign up for my

mailing list

And receive the following:

• The e-book "3 Stories from Majken Lorelei's work with Top Executives"
• VIP invitations to my events
• Exclusive insights, articles & new releases