You Are Our Light

Author: Majken Lorelei Matzau

Throughout 25 years of practice I have consistently argued that stress is a leadership responsibility. In hierarchical organizations, where some hold authority over others, those in leadership positions must balance resources, ambitions, and goals in a way that prevents their people from drowning in complexity and incoherence.

But that tells only part of the story. Even well-structured organizations cannot prevent individuals with deeply held psychological beliefs from repeatedly taking on far more than is theirs to carry.

Everyone's Light and Guiding Star

A 44-year-old director came to me in severe stress. She had heart problems, elevated blood pressure, and presented as incoherent and profoundly anxious. Her working days involved constant overload across every front – she had risen rapidly to lead a large business division, working day and night with no boundary between professional and personal life.

She never said no. She always felt inadequate. She was perpetually behind. In her personal life, she was a single mother and sole provider, with a symbiotic relationship with her teenage son whose homework she regularly completed. She was also in a relationship with a chronically ill partner in another country – a single father to three young children – and had quietly assumed the role of housekeeper and emotional support for his family, on top of everything else.

Discovering the Root

Her history revealed the source. She came from a family of strong personalities and deep bonds. Her maternal grandfather died on the day of her birth. Because she arrived as he departed, her family received her with a very specific role already assigned. She became their light.

The family believed her birth on his death day was not coincidental. From infancy, she carried the role of light-bearer – believed to provide life, meaning, and hope, to hold the family together, to carry their expectations and needs as her own natural burden.

The Moment of Clarity

When she recognized that this identity – this role assigned before she could speak – lay beneath her severe stress, something shifted with remarkable speed. She had assumed responsibility for everyone else's lives rather than allowing them to manage their own.

The moment she decided she was not responsible for being anyone else's light – only her own – the limiting beliefs dissolved. Convictions she had never consciously examined, such as “if others are sad it is my fault” or “I must make everyone around me happy,” simply fell away. Setting boundaries became natural, almost effortless.

An Innocent Origin

This woman had neither low self-esteem nor a difficult childhood, nor had she lacked love. She had simply lived inside an identity her family assigned at the moment of her birth – one that had permeated every relationship she had ever had.

Fundamental identities and beliefs direct our lives with enormous power, and yet they arise innocently, without anyone intending harm. When we become conscious of them, we can shift our understanding gently – and the life that follows can be completely different.

She now lives that different life, in strength and balance.

From Stresscoaching – coaching i grænselandet (Børsens Forlag 2009)

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